Ask what “fan” means to a hundred different people and you will receive just as many answers. Some people gladly put on their Jedi-gear to go spend a week in front of a theater to score tickets for the latest Star Wars release. Some learn complicated vernaculars to speak the same mythical languages as their favorite movie or television shows (e.g. Elvish, Klingon). Some will go darker, bringing up images of Hinkley or Chapman and the dangers of stardom. However, most fans fall somewhere on the spectrum between passive and moderate, watching a few films, enjoying a series or reading a couple books before placing those items back on the shelves of both their living room and their memory.
In 2022, I completed my MA thesis. My subject? Identity in Digital Fandoms. To complete this project, I examined the fandoms of Betty Grable, Jayne Mansfield and Elvis Presley. I carefully combed through magazine articles, fan club newsletters and hundreds of comments to deduce exactly what people were saying about these stars during their lifetimes and what talking points have carried over into today. Of course, many talking points are still the same with concessions for social media’s image-centric digital hierarchies. As I was writing my piece, I couldn’t help but think of my own time in fandoms and what ultimately made me leave certain digital spaces for good.
I promise, this isn’t going to be a life story. I’ll just say I (kind of) left the Marilyn Monroe fandom after a fall out. However, as I began reading what people had to say about fandoms, I noticed my own fandom coming back to stare at me in the face. Leaving the Marilyn fandom felt like a painful divorce, and as we watched the dress saga spill over into the mainstream press, we’ve seen how fandoms can get people in a frenzy regarding almost anything they perceive as negative.
Think of this piece as part memoir, part guide. Exploring digital spaces offers a unique opportunity to connect with others in your niche, but digital spaces provide the perfect breeding ground for trolls, fraudsters and nearly any other nefarious intent you can think of. Here are my tips for navigating digital fandoms.
Joining
- Look before you jump
This one is tricky because I looked at digital fandoms for years before finally deciding to go all-in. Part of me is glad I did wait; although, I didn’t necessarily find what I needed. However, I did choose an established group to make my online debut in, and my cautiousness really did help in the long run. A lot of Facebook groups and Instagram pages are looking for higher numbers which leads to a degradation in quality. This doesn’t mean you will agree with everything you read on a fan page, but well-researched opinions are worth far more than pretty picture postings in the long run. - Don’t look to impress
There’s a definite friendliness most fandoms will show when new members first join, but most people want to get “in with the cool kids” (i.e. the people established members respect). Look, I have plenty of friends who fall in this category, but all my friendships grew organically. I have friends with collections worth millions and friends who have about 5 books on their favorite. The ones who’ve earned respect from their peers can smell desperation a mile away, and they’re going to be closed off if you start hounding them for attention. Again, you are looking for organic friendships, not someone you can check off your humble brag list. - Be cautious about who you befriend
I used to wonder why so many people hated my friend group, and by extension me. Time after time one person would tell me not to talk to someone because they were “bad.” I figured out after about two years that half the community couldn’t all be bad; there had to be something with the person in question. There are extremely toxic subsets in fandoms, and I learned first-hand how badly you can get burnt if you get involved with people who are involved in fandoms for themselves and not the celebrity in question. If the person is regularly soliciting personal donations, making everything about themselves or looking to gain notoriety from fan groups, they’re probably in it for the wrong reasons.
Thriving
- Not every argument is necessary
When I first joined the Marilyn Monroe fandom, I was pregnant and lonely. I enrolled in school shortly before my son’s first birthday, and I spent a lot of time online. My best friend at the time was involved in nearly every argument you can imagine which led to me getting involved as back up. Here’s the thing. Not everyone is going to like your favorite, nor are they all going to be well-read. I dug myself into a horrible hole of getting labeled “rudely argumentative” that took years to discard. Today, I let 99% of what I disagree with go without a response. It’s not going to get me anywhere, and I prefer to educate rather than argue. I won’t say I am completely above calling someone to the carpet, but I really weigh whether I think the person is worthy of my time and research efforts. Most of the time, they’re not. - Avoid ganging up on people
This ties into my last point, but it’s worthy of its own paragraph too. If someone is wrong, you should be able to provide a factual counter without DM-ing ten other people to join you. Look, we all screenshot our “Wtf” moments, and if someone is especially nasty, I have no qualms about going in to provide some context, but you don’t need all your friends piling in on someone. The person you’re arguing with is going to (rightfully) feel attacked, and you’re left with a false sense of satisfaction for “winning.” Again, let. it. go. If you lead a horse to water and can’t make them drink, so be it. Your friend(s) won’t accomplish it either. - Realize you’re a fan of your idea
I could go on all day about parasocial connections, but it’s easier just to say “you are a fan of your idea of the person, not who they actually were.” When I posted Greenson’s letter to Marianne Kris, the backlash was intense. Never mind that excerpts had been shared from that letter by biographers for years. I was in the wrong for sharing it in full because it didn’t align with people’s idea of Marilyn Monroe. Do I agree with everything in it when looking at it from a modern perspective and examining and contextualizing Freudian values? No, I really don’t, but he found her behavior alarming enough to write about, and he knew her way better than I did. These people won’t fit neatly in your box, and that’s fine because most of them are dead. If your fandom is contingent on people sharing the same values as you, you’re going to be severely disappointed. Once you recognize that you love your idea, you’ll become a better researcher with the ability to discern. - You’re not going to learn everything in a set time frame (or ever)
I once saw someone claim they’d created the definitive Marilyn Monroe project because they’d been researching heavily for a year. Trust when I say I’ve been researching Marilyn for roughly two decades, and I still don’t think I’ve created anything definitive (although, you should still buy my book). These people were real human beings, and no one can tell you everything about them. Personally, this is why I prefer the terms “historian” or “researcher” over “expert.” Take the time to find high-quality sources and spend some time researching on your own. You’ll become well-versed in no time. - Have fun
I know everything above feels a little doom and gloom, but the main thing to remember is to have fun in your fandom. You’ll find friends quickly, and they may even become real life friends as well. You can connect with people on your mutual admiration for a celebrity while finding other things you have in common as well. I have about 30 people I am friends with from the Marilyn community, and I treasure them all for the friendship they give me much more than their fandom.
Leaving
- Know it’s okay to leave, or at least cut down
I never fully left the Marilyn community after my falling out, but I have severely cut down on how much I interact. I keep most of my interactions through DMs anymore, and I’ve found that works well for me. My Marilyn research has led to some wonderful doors getting opened for me, but I am very much limited on who I will interact with anymore. Severely cutting down on the number of groups and people I interacted with led to me having a deeper appreciation of who I befriended. - Realize you might get soured on your fave
People frequently conflate their fandom experience with the person they’re a fan of which can lead to animosity towards the subject. I don’t necessarily consider myself a Marilyn fan like I was before my falling out, but I still respect her as a research subject which allows me to foster a great balance. However, I initially didn’t even want her in my home, purging several hundred books just to get her out of my life (I still own over 100). This souring allowed me to grow, but that won’t be everyone’s experience either.
Online fandoms offer a wonderful place for people to connect, but they also harbor some unsavory characters than can ruin the experience for you. Remember to have fun with your fandom, be cautious but optimistic and look for people you want to hang out with in real life. You may just find your best friends like I did.
Classic Blondes 